despair – Page 3 – Hues of Hankinson

The Invisible Worm…

Endo warrior.

Bravely fighting for breath somewhere between bloodbath

And deep painful chasm of menstrual despair

Adenomyosis crippling.

She took the apple from the tree

To set her free

Unaware of the invisible worm it carried deep inside.

It burrowed its way inside her,

It perforated her uterus

It wormed its way deep inside her pelvis.

And came to rest 3mm from her spine.

Mirena

Bayer’s little game-changer.

It changed her game forever.

Her hair fell out, her eyes bled,

Fevers ravaged her body

Her insides turned to poison.

And Arthritis set in.

The invisible worm

No crimson joy

It nearly did her life destroy.

©Alison Jean Hankinson

This for d’verse where we were asked to use symbolism and I wanted to use “the invisible worm”.

Endometriosis and Adenomyosis blight the lives of many women. Unfortunately, the Mirena is another one of those medical catastrophes that were intended to give hope but for some caused irreparable and devastating damage and consequences.

The image was created by sammydavisdog on Flickr.

Crunch

It was pride,

I wore my heart on my sleeve,

shared my hopes and dreams.

You brushed them aside

they scattered like confetti

and shattered as you trod on them.

One by one, I heard them break

under the crunch

of your negative footfalls.

©Alison Jean Hankinson

This is for d’Verse quadrille where we were given the word Crunch.

I had a difficult few weeks and took a bit of a battering in a very bizarre job interview. I did speak up for myself(and cried on the way home…) but I do worry that somewhere in this current climate we seem to have lost our values, our compassion and sense of humanity.

The photos are intended to be the opposite- the restoration of the spirit and soul.

Leave no stone unturned.

It was a dreary dismal day

The drizzle spilled like tears down the kitchen window.

What have we become? We of so little value,

Worth not perfunctory care and consideration.

Has hope hidden itself under some far-flung rock?

I will leave no stone unturned.

©Alison Jean Hankinson

This is for d’Verse quadrille on the subject rock.

The image was taken yesterday at Lake Windermere.

I guess it is treasures like the one on this rock that remind us that there are always moments to be valued.

Days of loss.

Some days there are no happy ever afters

No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

Inside the cloud- no silver linings

Some days the tears we weep fill the reservoirs of our soul

The magnitude of our pain and suffering is beyond remedy

Inside our heart is bereft and broken beyond repair.

Some days suffering sadness and shades of sorrow are all there is

And we must carve a new understanding of the world we know

Find a new way to find a glimmer of hope.

I have decided to link this up to d’verse for open link night. I wrote it at a very key low point last year just as I discovered I had once again become ill with a flare of Ulcerative Colitis, the first since 2012. Last week I think I hit an even lower point in my life, the disease refusing to go into remission and being forced to give in and go back on to high dose steroids. I am climbing back out of the hole. I have managed to keep working, and that in itself is an achievement and we take our crumbs where we can find them.

I wrote this early November when despair was at times overwhelming. I still believe in happy ever after- it is in my nature.

Much love. XXX

Shades of 50.

It is done, my fiftieth birthday year finally gone

Kicked the ass out of that, had a bit of fun

Moved house and home,

And now it is done.

Heartaches and happiness all in one.

What a year, glad to move on to 51.

this is a bit cheesy but all I could muster for this week’s Quadrille at d’Verse. I celebrated my fiftieth birthday in hospital and it has been a roller-coaster of a year and I think some of the biggest dips were in the last week, so I was a bit quiet….So tomorrow I start a new day, and a new year… and I will be 51.

I miss my Ellen though and would love to have her home with me. XXXX

Whispers of madness.

White walls, empty Halls

Echoes of silenced pain and lives put on eternal hold.

Unmarried asylum seekers in days of old

Imprisoned indefinitely to save their souls.

Families wanted them hidden away

To arrest society’s decay

Often damaged not decadent

Guilty of innocence rather than indolence.

Incest often lead to childbirth and illegitimacy

They were declared insane because of forced intimacy

What madness masqueraded within

When authority had power and victims powerless remained?

©Alison Jean Hankinson

I am putting this into d’Verse open link night. I wrote it last year when I reflected on how things had changed so much in terms of attitudes to mental health. These women were often asylum seekers and deserved better than they got.

I have been working this year with families and carers in crisis, who have a loved one experiencing psychosis and Bi-polar.

Image- Woman In A Psychiatric Ward With Two Dolls. Stock Photo, Picture in public domain.

Atonement

The rain washes away the sorrow

It cleanses the impurity of the years before

and soothes the shallow breathing of the old man.

Pitter, patter, pitter, patter on the old tin roof

Melodies of days long gone when forsooth

I was a younger man, of stronger mettle.

The rain washes away the sin and surrender

Purifies the pungent putrid memories of this life before

Soothes the sallow sagging skeleton that sits beside the bed.

Drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop on the old tin shed

Reminds me of all the things I still have left unsaid

To those who loved me beyond the bounds of duty and sanity.

The rain washes away the pain and the punishment

Washes away the abusive torture and the brutal beatings.

Rain brings reparation for a wretched soul in search of absolution.

Pitter, patter, drip, drop, pitter, patter, payday

As my sins have been forgiven I forgive them their sinful way

Forgive my wartime crimes Lord. Take my soul today.

raindrops-1404209_1920

The theme tonight at d’Verse was rain, and it was supposed to be a positive contribution. I spent many years in NZ and rain is often seen as symbolic, it is cleansing or purifying, so in the image (from pixabay) the rain and rainbow would be seen as celebratory. I think atonement is positive but perhaps not quite what would have been expected.

Depression-never give up hope.

Destructive tendencies overshadow joy

Empty heart and emotionless void

Piercing silence and perpetual loneliness

Replaces peace and solitude.

Even in our darkest hours we seek the light.

Sustain our strength with firm resolve

Support each other with promises new

In higher spirits soar above the stigma and the shame

Overcome the numbness.

Never give up on tomorrow

At d’Verse Frank challenged us to create an acrostic, and this is tonight’s offering, I might have another later, because he introduced me to some other styles and I might have a go at one of them.

I took the photos tonight down on the beach, it was a beautiful late summer dusk, I wanted to catch the seagull soaring to represent the spirit and hope at the end of the acrostic, they soar too fast and my hands are not steady enough…but I was happy with the two I managed to capture for here. This is what I do to uplift my spirit.

Towards Troubled Waters.

When I was loved by you I knew who I was

When I was loved by you the sun shone daily

And I could feel the warmth on my face

And there was a seductive security in your firm embrace.

When I was loved by you I could rest a while

When I was loved by you I could close my eyes

And hear your gentle breath through my restless slumber

In my turbid life you were my shelter and human anchor.

Now I am lost at sea, tossed and torn on turbulent tides

And you have left me for the love of another

Eyes wide open and sleep eludes me now.

Whose pillow will support my weary head

As I sail away from the safe shelter of your love

I stow the anchor slowly as the windlass grinds to a halt.

This was written for d’Verse where Bjorn challenged us to write an Italian sonnet. I have no idea if this lives up to what I understood of the form but I did give it a go. The image was from Wikimedia and labeled for reuse.

carl_bille_-_et_skib_pc3a5_et_stormfuldt_hav

Dreams lie lost amid the sands…

Lazy Sunday.

Somewhere between the sea and the sky,

my dreams fly free.

They rise and fall

on the gentle breeze

beyond the heat haze on the horizon.

My spirit with the seagull

soaring and then stalls suddenly,

shattered upon the rocks of reason.

This is my quadrille for d’Verse based on “dream”. The images were from our lazy Sunday afternoon walk yesterday. The sky was endless, the birds were amazing. In the distance you can see the sea windmills, they looked like they were dancing just above the horizon.